Friday, November 7, 2008

The Tardy Boys Not-A-Series

The Tardy Boys is not a series. The fifth book, IS THAT AN UNHAPPY LEPRECHAUN IN YOUR LUNCH? is supposed to come out next March, but it is still not a series. Nobody except you calls it the Tardy Boys not-a-series. In fact, nobody else calls it a series even though four books have been published and they all star the Tardy Boys.

This is not the first time you have written a not-a-series. You once wrote a 17-book not-a-series even though each book began with Help! I’m Trapped in… and the same characters appeared in each book.

When you asked your publisher why it wasn’t a series, you were told, “because it’s not numbered.”

You had to rewrite the first book in the Tardy Boys not-a-series about 150,000 times. Every time you though the book was done, your publisher would read it and tell you all the things that were wrong with it. For instance, originally you wanted to call the main characters the Pardy Boys, but your publisher said no. Here is a VERY partial list of other things your publisher said no to:

1) Giving the Pardy Boys first names of Disc O. and Hart T., and calling their little brother Pajama
2) Using the words underpants, underwear, and orifice.
3) Solving the world-wide energy crisis by harnessing a fantastic new source of renewable energy known as COW BUTT METHANE GAS POWER (CBMGP) and introducing THE COW CAR, which runs on CBMGP.
4) Mentioning Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.
5) Asking if the naked eye is indecent.
6) Placing the Magic Toilet Bowl inside the Mysterious Toilet Stall at The School With No Name and sending the Pardy Boys back in time whenever they pulled a sheet from the Phantom Toilet Stall Dispenser.
7) Having the Pardy Boys travel back to the Revolutionary War to meet Timmy Meeker, Sarah Bishop, Johnny Tremain, and Willy Freeman.
8) Having Johnny Tremain put down Timmy Meeker because Johnny’s book won the Newbery Medal while Timmy’s book only won a Newbery Honor, and having Timmy put down Sarah Bishop because her book only won something called the Hans Christian Andersen Award.
9) What Germans say when they mean no.
10) Having them all put down the Pardy Boys because their book was only a paperback original.
11) Having the Pardy Boys put down all the others because they were stuck using chamber pots.
12) Having the Pardy Boys explain to Capt. John Parker of the Minutemen that a surefire way to “kick some limey lobsterback butt” at the Battle of Lexington Green was to have the Minutemen hide behind rocks and trees.
13) Having the Pardy Boys realize that they couldn’t use the Magic Toilet to return to the present because they would have to wait 97 years until Dr. Thomas Crapper invented the flush toilet.
14) Having the Pardy Boys meet your Russian girlfriend, Dr. Prada Nockoff, supermodel, brain surgeon, and director of research at the Harvard Center for the Study of Alien Abductees.

Mr. Bill says, “I’m surprised you didn’t mention your Russian tax accountant, Candice B. Writtenoff.”

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